wow

Im studying for Psych and for some reason this thought dawned on me: I miss the way things use to be. I know everyone says stuff like that but I was just thinking I'm an adult now. I have to make my own decisions, I study and I'll have focus. My dad and step mom recently divorced and I just thought about that and how I'm not a little kid anymore.  I can't go over there every other weekend and bake with Beth or play with Ashley or watch T.V carelessly. Or swim in the pool whenever I wanted. I just realized there is so much I need to start caring about now that I'm older.  I truly wish that I could go back to the way my life was before they divorced and before I started college or senior year. It makes me sad to think of these things because I enjoyed my time over there even if Lorena didn't really like going. I did. I liked it there. It felt like home and its something so familiar to me that was taken away by the divorce and by adulthood.  It was so  simply back then and easy and happy even in the times when I was sad. I had that.

David passed away today. I feel I should recognized this. He was a special man, Im not sure what was wrong with him but he was like a child. So young and naive. (He had a mental condition). He was hit by a car in front of Eduardos and its really upsetting to think about that. His body lying in the road as his family stood on the sidelines unable to speak to their brother and son anymore.  I cried a little bit and I know it was hard on my mom because although it would bother her to go out to dinner with him sometimes I know she enjoyed spending time with him.  And I know its hurting her too. David was the brother of her best friend so I could imagine how that would hit home. I pray for the Cortez Family. Bring them healing in this moment Lord. I pray that you heal their hearts and remind them that you will take care of them and to rejoice that David is in heaven. I don't want to take my life for granted.

shes so cool

I wish I was cool. I look at Christina (my older sister) and think that she is just so cool and I want to be just like her. But I don't want to feel this way. I have bigger plans then to worry about stuff like that. God made me different and I need to believe and know that I am cool in his eyes and I don't have to be cool in anyone elses eyes. I just have to be seen as the Lords daughter.  Its just I look at her tumblr (http://satellliteheart.tumblr.com/) and everything is just so cool and she is so pretty and I feel like this every time I see her tumblr. I should stop looking at it if it makes me feel that way but sometimes I can't help it. I want my face to be clear and my belly to be flat and to feel pretty and cool like she is.  Im suppose to be studying for Psych and New Testament. I hope I get good grades on both my exams. Im shooting for an A!. Im also suppose to be worrying about this dang paper for my favorite english class so Im aiming for an A in that as well.  Anyways the point being, I want to feel cool but I don't want these feelings...wonderful.

/rant

I never feel like posting anymore...I'm still alive though. Just letting ya know.

Procrastination

Men, can you believe it! I'm old enough to say MEN suck not boys..because I'm in college now haha. Well the purpose of this post isn't to say boys suck.  There is this one guy that goes here to my school who shall remain nameless on account of I don't even really know much about him. I met him once but Im not entirely sure if he remembers me.  Well anyway, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I want to give it to the Lord. I've told Him countless times to take it out of my hands and I think he has.  The next man I date I want to be my husband and I'm no where near ready to be married. So of course I want to be friends first. And that's all I want right now from this kid anyways..friendship...but I've already established liking to him so it would a friendship with a crush except maybe if I got to know him I might not like him anymore like that at least. I'm just praying for my mind to not be consumed or focused with where he is or what hes doing.  Or even the way I look..in case I see him Because I don't care what he thinks. Well I shouldn't. So we'll see. I want to write in my college journal right now but I need to write my STUPID ESSAY THAT I DON'T WANT TO WRITE. I probably should start it soon though...due Thursday! But I don't want to be up late on Wednesday stressing. I'd rather do that tonight.

I'm really into Katy Perry right now I love her.  "Not like the movies" is what im listening to and currently in like with. Okay bye

Pink

SEE, I dyed it! It looks better right now because you can actually tell that there is purple at the bottom (whereas this picture you can't really tell that much.)

I'm in the library, and I'm suppose to be studying but instead I'm listening to music. I can probably do both at the same time but I'm giving myself til 4 start. Its 3:43 pm right now. So I haven't really seen that boy that I mentioned around and I'm trying not to think about it because really...I don't even know him. Its so ridiculous but he truly is adorable and cute and stuff. I've been praying that my mind isn't consumed with it. How funny that somethings don't change...still thinking about a boy. But I don't need one haha I just so happen to be posting when this part of my life is occurring.  I'm totally okay with not having a boy in my life.  In fact, I want to marry the next boy that I date...well preferably and I am NOT ready for that at all yet. So friends is completely fine by me.  I love college so far. I just need to keep myself immersed in my studies and not get distracted easily by boys and friends and things of that nature. 

2012

Guess what, I'm in college! I know right, I've super grown up from the girl who was posting in this blog two years ago. THIS IS CRAZY. I found this blog a couple of days ago and I thought I might want to keep going. Update were I've been lately. I was using tumble for a while (barbarajune.tumblr.com) but I kind of prefer this because I can play with the fonts and Colors which is pretty awesome. And here I can express my feelings without worrying that anyone I know will actually read this. There are no followers like on tumblr and that is also awesome. 

Lets see, well I am a freshman Vanguard University. I live on the fourth floor along with Jackie Kong, Aminee Hector, Stephanie Mata, Lauren Bostic, and my roommates names are Valentina Cueto and Melanie Parker. I dyed (ombree'd) my hair pink and purple; I'll post a picture later. I ended up transfering to JFKMCHS my junior year instead of Cenntenial which was the best decision ever because I looooved it there. I don't have a boy friend but I am interested in someone here who is a sophomore and is very cute. My relationship with the Lord has significantly evovled and grown over the past two years which is amazing and seeing my old posts is really funny to me. I love my little sister Maya, she is so great and funny. She has grown up a bit and I don't think I've yet to mention her in this blog. Im suppose to be reading Aristotle and analyzing him but I'm not.
I will start posting more often though. It might be really good for me.

til next time!