Quite alright.

Things seem to be looking up at the moment.

Incase you didn't already know, I've been feeling meloncholy. & the fact that I've been sick..well more that my body's just been exhusted doesn't make anything any better. But today, after practice, I felt better. Perhaps it was due to the exercise. (releases endorphines) but who knows. I'm glad to be back. Well semi..mostly back. I'm trying to open new doors for myself & I feel like i'm succeeding...just a little if any..but its something! Some are closing though..but thats alright. When one door closes, another opens.

Despite the fact that things are starting to turn around, I've been streessed about school ! *pulls hair out* I've been missing alot lately due to mental illness :P & that is not good. I feel like i'm falling behind.
PULL IT TOGETHER BARBARA. You want to go to U.C Santa Barbara right?!?
We'll see where this goes. Hopefully up along side with mood.

Moving on. So..my friend Brenda Mendez. She is something else.
She has picked herself up of the ground. Up from her past life & is now..so on fire for God its crazy. She's just soo..sure of herself & God. I'm proud of her.
But for some reason I can't help but feel inferior to her. Not only to her though. To so many others who talk to me about Christ. Only because I'm no longer at the place they're are now. & that only pushes me farther away. Like..I feel as if they are better than me in some sort of way..as if I don't "fit in" or fit the typical "christian" role at my church anymore. I'm working on it though. I still have my own relationship with Him. I still talk to Him. Hopefully this whole prayer team thing will "open more doors" for me. Open my eye's to what i've been missing. Not only me though. Aixa too. But who knows if its even in the plan for me. Only God..duh
I should be asleeep.

I bid you ado.

Deception.

Things aren't always what they appear to be. It could be that brand new commercial about "the best cup of coffee in town" right down to the peeople or friendships you thought and possible even knew to be 'trustworthy'.

Friend; (n):
-A person who gives assistance when needed.
-Someone you can trust
-Someone to share your laughs with, your feelings with, your secrets with.

You that's all fine and dandy..as long as it goes both ways.
just sayin'.
*I'm sorry If whatever I say doesn't make sense.*

Moving on. I just, all of a sudden, had a mood change. My thoughts shifted.
Slightly though, so were still on topic.
I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss how, with out knowing or even trying, you got me. There was a certain flow to us, you know. It just fit. Well..in my opinion. Something happened though. We don't speak as often.
I wish I could just talk to you. & I wish I could just talk to someone about you with sounding cliche. You were bold. Courageous. Funloving. Carefree. & you were myfriend. There was no pretending. I felt completely comfortable when I was around you. Thats something that was sort of a shock to me too but I loved that the most. They way you thought. They way your mind worked fasinated me. & still does. So deep, so just..interesting, I guess. But things are different now.

Moral of the story kids: Things change & people aren't always who they say they are to you. Trust is a hard thing to come by. & when you've got it don't betray it.

You prolly think you know who i'm talking about but your prolly way off.

end.

Good times

This, right here, is prolly what I miss most about my past.

How close we all were. How we just automatically knew where our weekends would be spent & with who they'd be spent with. How we'd all take stupid pictures & videos. How they always just knew. I've managed to maintain a bestfriendship with the young lady in the middle, Jackie Kong & Aixa Correa! (who is not in the picture) but Kimberly & I well..were still bestfriends but we've drifted apart. Even Jackie would have to agree that its..not the same. I haven't spent time with Kim at all since the new year. We hardly even speak anymore :/ Its gotten to the point where I don't even know what she looks like now -__- Pretty sad, I know. Of course, our schedules have gotten in the way of our hanging out and what not but really, thats not excuse cause i'm sure we could find time. I've built some new bestfriendships over here at my school though & I love them to bits and pieces but I just really miss this..miss us. Is that really so bad? I think it's partly because we've all changed in some little way or another. Some good changes..& some not so good changes but thats who we are now & there's really nothing we can do (well change ourselves back but I highly doubt thats something we can just do.)

[Everythings: 'o7-Foreve]

Hi There.

So, this is my first blog of 2010. & hopefully, many more follow. I've somehow failed to conjure up the willingness to even get on the computer and type, but I want my thoughts and opinions to be out in the open! I think its time I took my place in the world. Make a change. Even if its just a little. Either change it with my actions or simply with these words. Change one person's life, or a million lives. As long as I was able to make the process call life more enjoyable and unforgettable for anyone before we leave to our rightful home. Thats my dream. Your prolly thinking "Gee, such big aspirations for such a young girl." Well yes, I am young, but i'm not gonna let something as small as age or maturity levels hinder my determination to continuing my expedition to--where ever it is i'm going or what ever it is i'm doing.

Slowly but surely, people will begin to see things in a more postitve light. Things will begin to mold together & fall into place. As long as you will it to, of course.
You know why all that will happen? Cause I have faith. Some people should start obtaining a little more of that. Yes.

[.Likeme.Loveme.Hateme.]
you choose.

Hmm;

I haven't blogged in quite a while.
Update: Over all things have been going very well. School wise. Friend wise. & now boy wise! I just recently found out some information that makes me very happy :) but to soon to release any details. Jackie thinks I get excited to easily. & perhaps I do, but i find it makes life more enjoyable. Rather than containing all your emotions in a box, show them to the world. Express them for yourself. Laughing. Squealing. Its a part of my life. & look; things couldn't (well the could but no biggie) be better! You see, I do get excited over little things but I know how to not let it hurt me in the long run if whatever i got excited over dissapoints me. I can back down as easily as i got up. I just choose not too. Keep moving forward. What happens happens. & what happened happened. Right?
I'm just happy with how God is using my life & everything that He's doing in it. Its wonderful to be back.

I got a hair cut. & I actually don't hate this one, haha. I'm changing my outlook on life & myself. Trying to let go of all my inabitions. My fears. Its hard, & I know for a fact I haven't had much success..yet that is. Its a workin' progress alright. People can't really help in that area of my life though. I tend not to listen to anyone. Very VERY stubborn person here. but i'm workin' on that as well..kinda. I'm just looking up and looking forward.
Special thanks: GOD

simpler times?

hmm, remember the good 'ol days? playing in the park with some girl or boy that you have no memory of yet you two we're the best of friends that fine afternoon. or eating icecream by the curb with your sister or brother. not worrying about boys, or school, or the common struggles in the teenage life. goodtimes
you know, the world is a playground. & somewhere along our way to adulthood..we forget that.
things we're so simple when i was five or even ten. i was friends with that random kid at the park, & now i feel..alone? whats that all about, huh? Lonliness. no one should EVER have to put through such a state of hardship. 'Your not alone, hun. you have us' well, then why do i feel like like i have no one to talk to. To share my faults with or someone to get excited with me.? I know i do. i'm sure this is just a phase..darn phases. but it all just hit me wednsday. all of it, at once. but what hurts is the person or people i need to talk to the most..aren't there. they're just not. Either they haven't called. or they've just..changed. they're not capable of listening through it all and actually feeling remorse. or trying to assist me. HA i don't even know how i ended up talking about lonlieness when i started out at a no worry life as a child :P I don't feel like that as much. I got my chance to talk it all out and have some one actually listen for once instead of soemone telling me to shutup. i feel better. & who do i have to thank for that?
God

lets see.

well, i was baptized on wednsday:)
actually alot of people did, 30k//30days. Thirty acts of love in thirty days. its a beautiful thing actaully. Doesnt matter if your christian or not.
SHOW LOVE. DO WORK.<3
its so complicated though. i was catholic & now i'm..christian. i still have to get use to the idea. i mean i was catholic ALL MY LIFE till last wedndsay. i feel..bad kidna. like i betrayed my religon & my mom too. blehh, God will help♥
i don't feel that bad thouggh. it was meant to happen. i asked God to call on me that night, show me something that would just break me & guess what? he did.

side note: respect your parents. let them know how much you love them.
if your dad or mom does everything for you. everything thing she or he could do to make you happy & your friends happy *buyying them foood, drinks, movie tickets* then at least love him. He or she deserves that much.
its hard to witness something like that first hand. he treats her & us to food, starbucks, movies, everything.! & what does he get in return "psh i don't love him!" <--daughter
seriously, C'mon on. he's trying so hard but all you do is push him away.
i dunno, i just feel bad because he is a freakin' fantastic father. thats all i'm sayin.

goodnight.