February 27, 2010

Mind Boggling;

Perplexing even. Inexplicably unfathomable.
Oh, relationships & love..that is. I simply cannot wrap my mind around it. People want it all the time yet it hurts like hell. They take the biggest risks to get it. Take the longest jumps even if it means they're going to fall. How many times can one person fall though?
How many times can one person search and find then fail? Search..and find..then fail.

& then there are those who are seen as "just a friend" in all the eye's of those who you see as more but your to scared to make a move. To scared you'll come off as "obvious" then they end up not feeling the same. Its hard, you know?

I hope that I find somethin' like that. You know..like they have in the movies?
A knocks-the-socks-of-my-feet kinda love.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
If you take me on a date to ikeaa & have fun with me, then that'd be just..the best thing.
:)

February 22, 2010

Mm.

Today was interesting. My mood fluctuated alll day. I was up, then down, then up, then down & (thankfully) up. It was the little things really that kept me in the fog but for the most part it was fine.

So, usually I'm the QUEEN of acting like everythings all normal & casual at the things people usually tend to think are weird or uncomfortable but today & even for maybe the past couple weeks i've been tired of acting so nonchalantly about things that, at least, I feel should be addresssd. Its like the elephant in the room; everyone knows its there but no one actually acknowledges that fact. I just..sometimes wish I could scream at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! I DON'T GET IT!" or..something along the lines of that anyway.
Buuuuut, I can't. Obviously, or else I would've already done that.
I wish I could say I'm happy about where I am in my life but honestly..I know it could be better. Yes, I know, its within my power to change all that. I get to choose the way I live my life but..its sometimes hard to practice what you preach. I'm trying though. I'm gettin' out there. Haha.
I just need change..maybe? Or a get-a-way.
I want to go to the beach. A beach with no people (or limited amount of people at least) no shopps or cars. A beach that I could just think at, have simulating conversations with someone at, draw at. Something like that you know.
*sigh*

Well..I don't really thing I have anything else to sa--WAIT I do.
"Each night when I go to sleep, I die. & in the morning when I wake up, I am reborn."-Ghandi

Think about it.

February 21, 2010

Sleeepy,

But I insist on filling in about today.

So, I finally hung out with Gabby Leveratto. An old bestfrann' from back in the day. (middle school, I'm uber glad we still keep in touch) We attended the sunday service at church & from there took off to enjoy a splendid meal over at TJI Fridays. We caught each other up on our lives & filled each other in about the lastest new about boys, school, famliy. All the usually stuff you know. It was so nice to see her again, & hopefully we get the chance to do that again. Soon.
After that, I came home & watch ZOMBIELAND. Great movie btw. Then, I made an attempt at starting all the homework that had accumulate over the weekend. I hadn't started any of it.
GOAL:
-Stop procrastinating.
& to my surprise I finished most of it! 1 point for me :)
Finally, concluding my day, I had a semi conversation about God with Christina. She went to her youth group thing today & was so moved by Him. I'm going to go to church with her one day and it'll be amazing.

Currently feeling content with the way things are. I really have no reason to complain about where God is taking me right now. But then again, when should I ever complain about what He chooses to do with my life. Its all in his plan for me right?
The Lord knows what I need right now & he'll guide me to that if its suppose to be.
So, with AAALLLL that said, goodnight c:



February 18, 2010

Quite alright.

Things seem to be looking up at the moment.

Incase you didn't already know, I've been feeling meloncholy. & the fact that I've been sick..well more that my body's just been exhusted doesn't make anything any better. But today, after practice, I felt better. Perhaps it was due to the exercise. (releases endorphines) but who knows. I'm glad to be back. Well semi..mostly back. I'm trying to open new doors for myself & I feel like i'm succeeding...just a little if any..but its something! Some are closing though..but thats alright. When one door closes, another opens.

Despite the fact that things are starting to turn around, I've been streessed about school ! *pulls hair out* I've been missing alot lately due to mental illness :P & that is not good. I feel like i'm falling behind.
PULL IT TOGETHER BARBARA. You want to go to U.C Santa Barbara right?!?
We'll see where this goes. Hopefully up along side with mood.

Moving on. So..my friend Brenda Mendez. She is something else.
She has picked herself up of the ground. Up from her past life & is now..so on fire for God its crazy. She's just soo..sure of herself & God. I'm proud of her.
But for some reason I can't help but feel inferior to her. Not only to her though. To so many others who talk to me about Christ. Only because I'm no longer at the place they're are now. & that only pushes me farther away. Like..I feel as if they are better than me in some sort of way..as if I don't "fit in" or fit the typical "christian" role at my church anymore. I'm working on it though. I still have my own relationship with Him. I still talk to Him. Hopefully this whole prayer team thing will "open more doors" for me. Open my eye's to what i've been missing. Not only me though. Aixa too. But who knows if its even in the plan for me. Only God..duh
I should be asleeep.

I bid you ado.

February 17, 2010

Deception.

Things aren't always what they appear to be. It could be that brand new commercial about "the best cup of coffee in town" right down to the peeople or friendships you thought and possible even knew to be 'trustworthy'.

Friend; (n):
-A person who gives assistance when needed.
-Someone you can trust
-Someone to share your laughs with, your feelings with, your secrets with.

You that's all fine and dandy..as long as it goes both ways.
just sayin'.
*I'm sorry If whatever I say doesn't make sense.*

Moving on. I just, all of a sudden, had a mood change. My thoughts shifted.
Slightly though, so were still on topic.
I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss how, with out knowing or even trying, you got me. There was a certain flow to us, you know. It just fit. Well..in my opinion. Something happened though. We don't speak as often.
I wish I could just talk to you. & I wish I could just talk to someone about you with sounding cliche. You were bold. Courageous. Funloving. Carefree. & you were myfriend. There was no pretending. I felt completely comfortable when I was around you. Thats something that was sort of a shock to me too but I loved that the most. They way you thought. They way your mind worked fasinated me. & still does. So deep, so just..interesting, I guess. But things are different now.

Moral of the story kids: Things change & people aren't always who they say they are to you. Trust is a hard thing to come by. & when you've got it don't betray it.

You prolly think you know who i'm talking about but your prolly way off.

end.

Good times

This, right here, is prolly what I miss most about my past.
How close we all were. How we just automatically knew where our weekends would be spent & with who they'd be spent with. How we'd all take stupid pictures & videos. How they always just knew. I've managed to maintain a bestfriendship with the young lady in the middle, Jackie Kong & Aixa Correa! (who is not in the picture) but Kimberly & I well..were still bestfriends but we've drifted apart. Even Jackie would have to agree that its..not the same. I haven't spent time with Kim at all since the new year. We hardly even speak anymore :/ Its gotten to the point where I don't even know what she looks like now -__- Pretty sad, I know. Of course, our schedules have gotten in the way of our hanging out and what not but really, thats not excuse cause i'm sure we could find time. I've built some new bestfriendships over here at my school though & I love them to bits and pieces but I just really miss this..miss us. Is that really so bad? I think it's partly because we've all changed in some little way or another. Some good changes..& some not so good changes but thats who we are now & there's really nothing we can do (well change ourselves back but I highly doubt thats something we can just do.)
[Everythings: 'o7-Foreve]

February 16, 2010

Hi There.

So, this is my first blog of 2010. & hopefully, many more follow. I've somehow failed to conjure up the willingness to even get on the computer and type, but I want my thoughts and opinions to be out in the open! I think its time I took my place in the world. Make a change. Even if its just a little. Either change it with my actions or simply with these words. Change one person's life, or a million lives. As long as I was able to make the process call life more enjoyable and unforgettable for anyone before we leave to our rightful home. Thats my dream. Your prolly thinking "Gee, such big aspirations for such a young girl." Well yes, I am young, but i'm not gonna let something as small as age or maturity levels hinder my determination to continuing my expedition to--where ever it is i'm going or what ever it is i'm doing.

Slowly but surely, people will begin to see things in a more postitve light. Things will begin to mold together & fall into place. As long as you will it to, of course.
You know why all that will happen? Cause I have faith. Some people should start obtaining a little more of that. Yes.

[.Likeme.Loveme.Hateme.]
you choose.